the fall arrives....

Brrr! The wind is blowing hard, and it's a cold wind, carrying with it a nice COLD wet rain. I love fall though. The trees are already changing color, some are already losing leaves, and I finally get to wear my long sleeves again! I love my long sleeves and hate not being able to wear them for the summer. I'm kind of a cold blooded girl, and like wearing long sleeves and pants, so this is GREAT!

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow.... I am very terrified! I've had two horrible experiences at the dentist, and they always have a problem getting my numb, so we've opted for trying laughing gas. I've never used it before, and I'm scared to try it. I really don't want to look like an idiot, or make a fool of myself, so I'm scared. Hopefully it will be fine, and I will not feel the pain. I have like 7 cavities that need filled, so I'm going to do them one or two at a time. Mostly because of the expense. It's really expensive to go to the dentist, even WITH dental insurance! Yikes.

Cheyanne's birthday is on Saturday. She doesn't really care for cake, so Mark's aunt Donna is making 2 apple pies, and a pumpkin pie (by Cheyanne's request) for her party. We're going to just have a few people here. It will still be fun though. I put Mark up to the task of buying Cheyanne's birthday present this year. He's never bought a present for the girls, so we'll see how well he knows his daughter lol. It will make it a little bit more special for her to get it from Daddy, since he's not living up here yet. That's my thought anyway, but we'll see.

It's looking like he may be coming up soon though. He's been showing the house, and there is a guy I guess that may buy cash, and he wants to move it. He likes the look of the outside but hasn't been inside yet. He was supposed to come look at in today, but he rescheduled for Wednesday. We're praying hard that someone buys it really soon. We all miss him. I need my husband, and the kids need their daddy. This really sucks, but we'll make it through. God is in control though, and we have been thinking that there must be a reason for this separation, but the good news is, that it's just temporary!

Well, House is almost on, so I'm going to put the kids in bed and then watch it. :)

I keep forgetting......

I know, I know.... I'm a terrible blogger! I forget frequently that I even have a blog. Well, it's just past 6am here and I've been up since 3, so I figured that now would be an OK time to try to catch up. Sort of.....

So I moved back home to Washougal. For the most part, I love it. I love seeing old friends, having fun hanging out, the slower pace, living near family (or in this case WITH family), and living in the country. It's so peaceful. What I don't love at the moment, is that my husband is still in Springfield, working and trying desperately to sell our house. I'm not going to get into all of the details of why I'm here with the kids right now, but lets just say it has a LOT to do with my mother. She is yet again attempting to destroy my life. She's a mean, vicious and vile woman, and I don't care if I never see her again in my life.

I've been having a lot more good days since I've been here in regard to my fibromyalgia. I think it helps a lot having the extra help with the kids, and being away from my biggest stress offender..... my mother. I'm currently looking for a new dr up here, and haven't had very good luck so far. The one dr I've seen so far wanted to take me off all my meds, and essentially start over. Not a good idea. I'm not a drug seeker, nor am I looking to get "high" off my meds. This is the regimen that works for me, and I'm really not interested in changing horses mid stream. I am going to see a friend's dr (my friend also has fibromyalgia) on October 6th, so hopefully he'll see that it's not a good idea to just go and change everything. Every person's body is different, and with having 4 other friends with fibromyalgia, we ALL take different meds, and that is what works for us. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to not have to take all the meds I take, but that is just not a realistic thought. There is no magic cure for this disease, and it must be treated on a symptom by symptom basis. That's why each person is so different in their regimen. I just need a dr that will accept that, and not "upset the apple cart" as it were. We can adjust things as they are needed, but in the meantime, I would like to keep everything else the way it is.

My kids started school September 1st. They're going to a small country school called Mt. Pleasant. It's the same school my husband and his brother went to when they were kids. I would have continued homeschooling them, but in Washington, you either have to have a teaching certificate, or you have to take them to a co-op sort of school, known around here as either "Homelinks", or "Home Connections". I have no certificate, and I don't desire to take my children to what equates to me as a public school, where I would have to drive them and it would really be a lot of in and out, driving and stress for me. I looked at my options, and decided that Mt. Pleasant would be the best option for us, AND they get to ride the bus (they love riding the bus), get swimming lessons for free as part of their curriculum, and can get the one-0n-one attention that they may need. It's K-6th, and said, that if a child is capable, they have NO problem advancing them a grade. I've known many of the staff of the school since I was a child, and many of the children that attend, are the children of MY former classmates. LOL :) Makes me feel pretty old. They really love it, and I'm glad they do. I believe the last I heard, there were some 60 kids in the whole school, and I appreciate the small community feeling of the school. In fact, next Friday, the whole school is going on a field trip to the zoo. It's just amazing to me.

So yeah, that's what's going on around here. I reconnected with a friend from long ago, and we've really been getting close. It got complicated for a while, due to another friend feeling inadequate or vindictive, not sure, lying to her about something I had supposedly said, that I didn't. We've talked about it, and realized that this particular friend, is someone that neither of us really wants to have in our lives. It's been nice getting to know here and spend time with her. She has 6 children, but one is grown and moved out. Her other 5 are still home, and her grandbaby is there often too, so I get a baby fix. :) It's just nice to have a friend to talk to, and just sit and drink coffee with. Our kids get along wonderfully, we get along great, and our husbands have been friends for YEARS! I've also been getting to know some of her other friends, and that is neat too, because we all get along as well. It's very interesting.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. So much has happened, and so much keeps happening. It's hard to keep everything together to form coherent paragraphs LOL. Say a prayer for us that our house sells soon. I'm getting really tired of only seeing my husband for 2 or 3 days every 2 or 3 weeks. I miss him terribly, and would like for our house to just hurry up and sell so we can be a complete family.

The day after hernia surgery

Yeah, so I'm pretty much incapacitated and in pain. It sucks, but I know it will pass..... eventually. I feel like someone stuck needles all over the inside of my stomach, then ran me over with a mack truck, then backed over me again. I haven't been able to see all of the damage, because my stomach is wrapped tightly with a binder, but I have peeked down inside and it doesn't look good. I've counted at least 8 holes, not counting the holes for the instruments, so I would guess there's about 18 or so holes in total. I'm going to take pictures when I change bandages tomorrow, and I'll try to figure out how to post them on here then.

My mother in law and Aunt in law have been so much help, but they left a few minutes ago, and it makes me sad. I wish the could stay longer, cuz I really need the help, but my mother in law has to work tomorrow. :( I'm not sure how I'm going to make it now that they are gone, but I'll figure something out. We've begun getting some meals coming in, so that is a huge help. Yesterday Heather brought a wonderful spaghetti meal. I didn't get any of it until today for lunch but even reheated it was delicious! Tonight, we got a meal from First Baptist church, but I didn't get a call telling me that someone was bringing a meal, so one of the ladies from the homeschool group is bringing a meal too. It will work out perfectly though, cuz we'll eat one meal tonight, and the other meal tomorrow, then First Baptist is bringing another meal Friday. So that leaves Saturday, and Sunday to fingure somthing else out for food. First Baptist is also bringing a meal Monday, Wednesday and Friday next week, so we'll work something out for Tuesday and Thursday. I wish Mark knew how to cook LOL.

So, I'm pretty sure I'm going to call it quits on the homeschool group. I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere in this group. It seems really "elitist" or "country club" like. It's like I'm an outsider, that just doesn't fit in. I'm still going to pray about it a little more and see what God wants me to do. So far, it seems like I don't belong, but again, I will just have to see what God has in store for me and my family.

Ok, I've got to lay down. I'm really hurting a lot. I'll try to come back again tomorrow and update on other things that I just couldn't get to today.......

Greetings.

Yeah, so I've got alot going on in my life right now. We're pretty much broke, and running out of meat. I've treid so many churches, and Catholic Community services, and every other place I can think of and eihter they only take care of their own members, or they just don't have anything available because of the demand, so here we are. We still have some meat, but not for long. I'm trying to put this in God's hands, but I'm still running scared and not sure what to do. Anyway, enough of that.

I'm struggling with this homeschool group that we are part of. It's causing me to stumble. The people that are usually so kind, have been rather mean and at times just down right vicious. I really need support right now, but I feel like I can't ask for support right now with all that's going on with them. I'm still praying about what to do, but I'm feeling like I'm being led by God to do something else, so that I don't stumble in my homeschooling ventures. This is still new territory for me, so I need more support.

I'm having my surgery on June 9th at 1:30 pm at McKenzie Willamette Hospital. I have to check in at 11:00 am. I'm scared to have surgery again. The last one, while much more invasive was most unpleasant, and I'm not looking forward to being down again. It's going to be hard, because I don't have help with the kids, and housework, homeschooling, or cooking. I feel like I'm a lone ranger out here in the world with no friends or family to help me. It's an uneasy feeling. It would be wonderful if anyone reading this blog would help me maybe with a meal, or even send me a get well card, just to make me feel like I'm not alone, and that I am cared for.

I've made the decision that we will homeschool 2 days a week throughout the summer. I don't want the kids to lose any of their learning, and I have hopes that if we continually homeschool, more in the fall, winter and spring, and 2 days a week trhough the summer that we could finish grade levels a little quicker than otherwise we would be able to. Just a thought though. I don't want to put too much pressure on them, or myself. I still have yet to notify the school district of my intent to homeschool. I'll have to do that pretty soon I think.

I've started line drying my clothing on the nice days to try to save on costs of using the electric dryer. I hope that when we get our electricity bill, there will be a big difference. I feel good about doing though, because it's so nice having that sweet air smell on the clothes. It's nice feeling like I'm doing something in an old fashioned way too. I don't know how to put into words the feelings. It's like I'm doing something in my own way that is very beneficial in many way.

Ok, I've got some laundry to do, and a kitchen to clean today, so I'll be back here on another day.

It's been a while....

It's been a while since I've been on here. Let me tell you, the last few months have been a whirlwind. I've gone back to homeschooling, got my medications worked out, started line drying my clothing to save money, learned a lot about how to live with fibromyalgia, and found out that I need to have surgery again. Not to mention that my baby brother, is GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL next week! I can't even believe it. I used to change his diapers, and now he's graduating, and talking to me about entering "adult life"! It makes me feel really old. He's 10 years younger than I am, so it seems so strange to me for him to even be talking about "adult life". He's still a kid to me in my mind, even though he'll be 18 in August. Wow, it's so monumental to me to see him so grown up. I mean, he's as tall as my husband and well built, and grown to be a handsome young man. I'm looking forward to this milestone for him, and being part of it. I get to actually go to his commencement ceremony on the 6th, and you know what, I couldn't be prouder if he was my own son. That boy, excuse me, man, has overcome so much to acheive this and I am so proud. He had an award ceremony last week at Autzen Stadium called the "Turn Around Award", and I got to be part of that too, and he made me fees so special. I almost cried when he went up on that stage and thanked myself and my husband for everything we have done to get him here. How sweet huh?

So like I said, Ifinally got my meds worked out, and found a muscle relaxer that actually works. It's called Soma, and even though it usually knocks most people on their a$$, it works for me without doing that. I think I've come to the conclusion that the Nail Patella Syndrome I have, perhaps, may be why the other muscle relaxers didn't work. My anatomy is different that most peoples, and I think that that muscular skeletal problem that I have due to that particular disease may interfere with the properties of the other muscle relaxers. Just my presumption anyway, I could be wrong, but I think that's what it is.

I've been feeling so much better since I had the hysterectomy. It still seems weird to me that I dn't have a menstrual. I sometimes catching myself looking at sales on Tampax or other products thinking, wow, that's a good deal, before realizing I have no use for those things again. The strange, and sometime disabling pains in my abdomen, have ceased completely. I feel like a whole new person! I love it, and PRAISE GOD!!!

I started homeschooling again, using Abeka for Adrian, and My Father's World for Cheyanne and Sadie. Since Cheyanne and Adrian were in public school, and really did learn a lot, when I pulled them out of school at the beginning of May, we just went ahead and moved them up to the next grade. It's amazing how ready they were to do that. They're pretty focused in their studies right now, even though it's the end of the "school year", and I only do schooling 2 days a week right now. Ifigure, that if they work really hard, and get all of thier things done, they can move up to the next grade either next fall, or winter, which amazes me. I'm a little ticked off at Abeka though. I order the full child kit, and it din't come with one single answer key/sheet for any subject, and it also didn't come with a teacher's manual to help me figure out what Adrian needs to do for the day. I'm winging it, and he's eager, so I guess we'll just see how it turns out. I suppose it doesn't really matter, as long as he's learning all of the things he needs. I'm also using Rosetta Stone for Latin American Spanish. It's amazing, and I'm using it too, learning right along (sometimes ahead of) Adrian. Cheyanne is just not quite ready for it. I'm also schooling Sadie, trying to kind of adapt MFW First Grade to help her with things too. Cheyanne is learning to read sooooo much faster than I had expected, and it's GREAT!

So we're pretty much dead broke. Mark's hours have been cut, and we're barely making ends meet if at all, so I'm doing as much as I can to save money. I've started baking all of our own bread (haven't bought bread at the store in nearly 4 months), line drying our clothes since the weather's nice, making sure the dishwasher is as crammed full of clothing as it possibly can be, and bathing all 3 of the girls together. They like it most of the time, but I understand Cheyanne (my eldest daughter) wanting to shower alone sometimes. I'm trying to use less water as well as less heat/energy from the waterheater. It's working in some respects, but unfortunately, my heat pump keeping my house cool (for my health) is using up what I've saved, but at least it's not going to be too high, since I am not using the water heater, dishwasher so much, and dryer, it isn't adding to that.

The fibromyalgia really takes it out of me. I've learned that I have IBS, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) along with fibromyalgia and Nail Patella Syndrome. It's been a chore learning to live with all of these conditions, and I still have much to learn. I'm not getting to all of the things I need to in a day after homeschooling, so my house is in a bit of disarray. I wish I had someone to help me clean and organize this mess. Did I mention I'm a terrible organizer? LOL. The good news is, every day I'm learning more about me and trying to help my husband learn more too. He's a stubborn ol' goat, but I'm sure I'll get it through his head eventually. I just can't be superwoman anymore, and that's a bit of a hard pill for him to swallow. He doesnt' understand the sheer exhaustion that goes with this, but when I'm awake at 3 am baking bread and making him breakfast he sure appreciates it!

So I have to have surgery again..... yay..... (insert sarcasm here). I am so not looking forward to having another surgery. This time it's a hernia called a "ventral hernia". It started as an umbillical hernia after I had my first child, and eve though I had talked to doctors before about it, they didn't seem concerned. So, 3 more pregnancies later, it's about 5 inches long and goes from below my belly button to about 3 inches above my belly button. They're pretty confident that they can do this in a day surgery, putting a patch on it so my intestines aren't exposed. If it isn't going to work, they'll have to do an open surgery, and that will put me in the hospital for a few days again. Whoopie ( NOT!!!)

So yeah, that's what's been going on around here for the last few months since I posted, but I'm trying to make a commitment to come back here more, and POST! I'm sure you're all just DYING to hear what crazy messed up adventure I'm on at any given moment. More sarcasm, can you tell? LOL. But I do need to keep you all updated, so I'll really try to come back more often. Hope all is well with you!

Sad and blue and feeling frustrated.

Yesterday my eldest daughter 6 yo was found to have headlice (by me), so in turn the other two kid and my self got it. How frustrating to have to treat 3 girls and myself. It cost me $60 to buy all the things needed to to take care of the problem, my hair alone took 2 bottles since it's nearly 3 ft long. As if that wasn't tiresome and exhausting enough, I had to remove and wash all of the bedding, mine included, put them all back on their beds and wash all clothes, coats, stuffed animals and spray all the mattresses the couches, seats in the van. I was exhausted so we had leftovers for dinner. Of couse I was already in pain by the end of the day yesterday after exhausting myself so much, and this morning I woke up even worse. You all know what it's like. A serious overdoing that causes you pain that day will multiply. I didn't hardly sleep at all last night, so now I'm not only in pain, but I'm just beat. Serioulsy bad exhausted. I ran out of muscle relaxers, and the doctor hasn't refilled them, I ran out of vicodin because the doctor hasn't refilled them yet...... Frustrating in itself. So my husband sends me a text message asking me "is it was morning yet." I sent one back saying "unfortunately it is." And he says, "what now?" I said "I hurt a lot and hardly slept and found 2 more bugs in our daughter's hair." Then he says "Is life for you ever goig to be good again?" I got mad first at his insensitivity, but now I'm just sad about it. He just doesn't understand what it's like to live in my body. I've tried to explain it but I just am not getting through to him. It's really sad to me to have my husband, my best friend, saying things like this when I need him most. Dang it I'm crying again..... What do you do? How do you make something like this better? How do you talk to someone who obviously doesn't understand. I'm just at a loss and I'm very sad about it. I could keep going but I won't.

Another sleepless night

Geez. I don't know what my problem is, well, yeah I do, but anyways I didn't get hardly any sleep last night. I literally ( no exaggeration at all), woke up every 2 hrs all night. I mean EVERY 2 hrs all night long. Thankfully I didn't stay up long, but I really feel unrested, and very sore. I've got a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders and upper back. I really hate days like this. They call it a "flare up", and it really stinks. I don't mean to complain, but I'm trying to document my journey through this disorder called "fibromyalgia".

It was really strange that I would wake up exactly on the hour every 2 hrs last night. I've had it happen every 4 hrs, but never 2 hrs. I wonder what that means. If it happens again, I'm definitely going to have to call the doctor and see what he says. It may be that the amitritptyline isn't working properly. I don't know.

On another note, today is my second smoke free day. It's not easy to quit smoking, but I know that I'm doing the right thing. Why did I continue smoking even though I didn't like it? Because I was addicted. Addiction is like having a little monster inside of you that needs it's fix. Everytime you give it it's fix it grows. I am no longer going to feed that monster, and I'm going to enjoy quitting because I'm not losing anything. I'm not suffering a loss by not smoking, I'm just not feeding that monster anymroe. I'm not losing anything by not smoking because there's nothing to lose, I don't enjoy it, it stinks, it tastes bad, it costs way too much money, and it steals my life. I'm losing nothing, I'm gaining my life......

Trying to manage

Well, lets see....... Ok, I know where I'm at in my journey. Well, we're still trying to get the medications dosages adjusted for me. Everyone is different and reacts to medications differently, so my doctor and I are working together for an individual plan that's just right for me. I take 900 mg Gabapentin 3x daily, 1000 mg Robaxin 2x daily, Ibuprofen every 6 hrs, Amitriptyline 20 mg 2hrs before bed and 10 mg at betdime, and 500-1000mg vicodin as needed for pain.



I'm still achey every single day of my life. I'm exhausted too. My memory and thought process have been dimishing for several years now, but they're currently getting worse. I believe that this is referred to as "fibro-fog". LOL, honestly, I thought it was from when I was a teenager. As a stupid teenager, I smoked pot a handful of times with my friends, and I thought that it screwed me up for the rest of my life. Now I've got a name for it and I didn't screw myself up, so that's a relief.



Some days are better than others. On the good days I can go to the grocery store, clean the kitchen, do the laundry. If I do too much though, I pay for it the next day by having a bad day. For example yesterday I felt good. I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom, including mopping the floor, I did 4 loads of laundry, cooked a big meal, gave all 3 of my girls a bath, and cleaned up from dinner. I over did it. I could have just done a portion and did the rest the next day, but I decided that since I felt ok, I was just gonna go for it. Bad idea. Now I sit here slowly typing because my kneck and shoulders are all tight and knotted up. The tension is going to give me a headache later, but right now it's shooting pains down my arm, particularly on my right side. That's what I get for over doing it. Oh well, though. I'm still learning. I'm sure I'll over do it more, but I hope that I do it less LOL.

Every day is a new adventure

So, yeah. I'm getting pretty tired of not sleeping (lol no pun intended). I get to increase my amitryptyline tonight so maybe, hopefully, PLEASE, it will do the trick. Mark's having a hard time sympathizing with me on the exhaustion. He goes to sleep and sleeps like a rock until morning. I'm very aware that he does, because I'm AWAKE to see it! I unfortunately, have the pleasure of falling asleep after 3 hrs or so after he does, then waking up every 2 hrs all night long, in addition to sleeping really really lightly and waking up to the slightest sound. I've had all kinds of suggestions on "how to sleep better", ranging from getting a new mattress, to melatonin, to various different medications that have "worked for them". My mattress is great, I love my fulffy soft cozy mattress, it's not the problem. Melatonin, valerian root, L-tryptophan, each alone, and combined, and double dosed did nothing. It's a sleep disorder, and it's common with Fibromyalgia. Eventually we (meaning the doctor and I) will find the appropriate treatment for this problem.

On a good note, I have not had one single migraine since the doctor put me on these medications. It doesn't sound like much, but it's been a week and a half (well, a little over that) and no migraines. For me however, that is a vast improvement from the 2 or more migraines that I was having each week. I am very very thankful for that.

So, in conclusion, I'm learning to live and manage my symptoms and adjust my life and medications accordingly. I'm still in pain, and I'm still exhausted, but at least I'm learning. And I've been doing as much research on Fibromyalgia as I possibly can. Knowledge is everything....

A letter to the healthy world

This is my life, please read:


If you were born with healthy genes, you may know me but you don't understand me. I was not as lucky as you. I inherited the predisposition to chronic pain, fatigue and forgetfulness. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (FMS) after months, years or even decades of mysterious physical and emotional problems. Because you didn't know how sick I was, you called me lazy, a malingerer, or simply ridiculous. If you have the time to read on, I would like to help you understand how different I am from you.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT FIBROMYALGIA
1. FMS is not the newest fad disease. In fact, it isn't a disease at all, and it isn't even new. In 1815, a surgeon at the University of Edenburgh, William Balfour, described fibromyalgia. Over the years, it has been known as chronic rheumatism, myalgia and fibrositis. Unlike diseases, syndromes do not have a known cause, but they do have a specific set of signs and symptoms which, unfortunately for the patient, take place together. Rheumatoid arthritis and lupus are also syndromes.
2. The many physical and emotional problems associated with FMS are not psychological in origin. This is not an "all in your head" disorder. In 1987, the American Medical Association recognized FMS as a true physical illness and major cause of disability.
3. Syndromes strike life-long athletes as viciously as they do couch potatoes. They can be disabling and depressing, interfering with even the simplest activities of daily life.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME
1. My pain - My pain is not your pain. It is not caused by inflammation. Taking your arthritis medication will not help me. I can not work my pain out or shake it off. It is not even a pain that stays put. Today it is in my shoulder, but tomorrow it may be in my foot or gone. My pain is believed to be caused by improper signals sent to the brain, possibly due to sleep disorders. It is not well understood, but it is real.
2. My fatigue - I am not merely tired. I am often in a severe state of exhaustion. I may want to participate in physical activities, but I can't. Please do not take this personally. If you saw me shopping in the mall yesterday, but I can't help you with yard work today, it isn't because I don't want to. I am, most likely, paying the price for stressing my muscles beyond their capability.
3. My forgetfulness - Those of us who suffer from it call it fibrofog. I may not remember your name, but I do remember you. I may not remember what I promised to do for you, even though you told me just seconds ago. My problem has nothing to do with my age but may be related to sleep deprivation. I do not have a selective memory. On some days, I just don't have any short-term memory at all.
4. My clumsiness - If I step on your toes or run into you five times in a crowd, I am not purposely targeting you. I do not have the muscle control for that. If you are behind me on the stairs, please be patient. These days, I take life and stairwells one step at a time.
5. My sensitivities - I just can't stand it! "It" could be any number of things: bright sunlight, loud or high-pitched noises, odors. FMS has been called the "aggravating everything disorder." So don't make me open the drapes or listen to your child scream. I really can't stand it.
6. My intolerance - I can't stand heat, either. Or humidity. If I am a man, I sweat...profusely. If I am a lady, I perspire. Both are equally embarrassing, so please don't feel compelled to point this shortcoming out to me. I know. And don't be surprised if I shake uncontrollably when it's cold. I don't tolerate cold, either. My internal thermostat is broken, and nobody knows how to fix it.
7. My depression - Yes, there are days when I would rather stay in bed or in the house or die. I have lost count of how many of Dr. Kevorkian's patients suffered from FMS as well as other related illnesses. Severe, unrelenting pain can cause depression. Your sincere concern and understanding can pull me back from the brink. Your snide remarks can tip me over the edge.
8. My stress - My body does not handle stress well. If I have to give up my job, work part time, or handle my responsibilities from home, I'm not lazy. Everyday stresses make my symptoms worse and can incapacitate me completely.
9. My weight - I may be fat or I may be skinny. Either way, it is not by choice. My body is not your body. My appestat is broken, and nobody can tell me how to fix it.
10. My need for therapy - If I get a massage every week, don't envy me. My massage is not your massage. Consider how a massage would feel if that charley horse you had in your leg last week was all over your body. Massaging it out was very painful, but it had to be done. My body is knot-filled. If I can stand the pain, regular massage can help, at least temporarily.
11. My good days - If you see me smiling and functioning normally, don't assume I am well. I suffer from a chronic pain and fatigue illness with no cure. I can have my good days or weeks or even months. In fact, the good days are what keep me going.
12. My uniqueness - Even those who suffer from FMS are not alike. That means I may not have all of the problems mentioned above. I do have pain above and below the waist and on both sides of my body which has lasted for a very long time. I may have migraines or hip pain or shoulder pain or knee pain, but I do not have exactly the same pain as anyone else.

I hope that this helps you understand me, but if you still doubt my pain, your local bookstore, library and the internet have many good books and articles on fibromyalgia.

Author's note: This letter is based on communications with people throughout the world, males and females, who suffer from fibromyalgia. It does not represent any one of the over 10,000,000 people with FMS, but it can help the healthy person understand how devastating this illness can be. Please do not take these people and their pain lightly. You wouldn't want to spend even a day in their shoes...or their bodies.

My name is Fibromyalgia

I just found this online, and I had to share it. It's so true.




MY NAME IS FIBROMYALGIA
by Terri Been
Hi....My Name is Fibromyalgia, and I'm an Invisible Chronic Illness. Iam now velcroed to you for life. Others around you can't see me or hear me,but YOUR body feels me. I can attack you anywhere and anyhow I please.
I can cause severe pain or, if I'm in a good mood, I can just cause you toache all over.

Remember when you and Energy ran around together and had fun?
I took Energy from you, and gave you Exhaustion. Try to have fun now! Ialso took Good Sleep from you and, in its place, gave you Brain Fog. I canmake you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone elsefeels normal. Oh, yeah, I can make you feel anxious or depressed, too. If youhave something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can takethat away, too. You didn't ask for me. I chose you for various reasons:
That virus you had that you never recovered from, or that car accident,
or maybe it was the years of abuse and trauma. Well, anyway, I'm here to stay!I hear you're going to see a doctor who can get rid of me. I'm rollingon the floor, laughing. Just try. You will have to go to many, many doctorsuntil you find one who can help you effectively. You will be put on pain pills,sleeping pills, energy pills, told you are suffering from anxiety or depression,given a TENs unit, get massaged, told if you just sleep and exercise properly Iwill go away, told to think positively, poked, prodded, and MOST OF ALL, nottaken as seriously as you feel when you cry to the doctor how debilitating lifeis every day.

Your family, friends and coworkers will all listen to you until theyjust get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and that I'm a debilitatingdisease. Some of they will say things like "Oh, you are just having a bad day" or"Well, remember, you can't do the things you use to do 20 YEARS ago", nothearing that you said 20 DAYS ago. Some will just start talking behind yourback, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity trying to make themunderstand, especially when you are in the middle of a conversation with a
"Normal" person, and can't remember what you were going to say next!In closing, (I was hoping that I kept this part a secret), but I guess you already
found out...the ONLY place you will get any support and understanding in dealing
with me is with Other People With Fibromyalgia.

And the journey continues......

So I'm finally starting to come to terms with having fibromyalgia. It sucks, but I'm not going to let it run or ruin my life. I've got a wonderful husband that is so very supportive of me, and I'm so grateful to God for putting him in my life. While he can't "understand" what I'm going through, he tries his best and is always there for me to lean on and I can't even begin to tell him how grateful I am to have him.

I went to the doctor today, and he changed my meds. Well, he didn't "change" them, he upped the dosages on them. So now I have to take even more, but hey, it's OK. If it helps, it's a good thing. While I don't like watching the clock and taking pills all day, it is making a difference, and that is definitely a good thing. He's a very understanding doctor too, which I can really appreciate as you can imagine. He actually listens to me, which I haven't had from a doctor in a long time, and I am so grateful that God keeps providing for me.

I'm learning a lot about Fibromyalgia. It's a very interesting condition, and very multifaceted, so I am learning that more and more of the problems that I've been suffering with since I was a child are probably due to having this condition. It's kind of a crummy problem to have, but I'm grateful that it's not life threatening. It is something that in time, I can learn to manage, if I'm dilligent and patient and I listen to my body. That is key, listening to my body. It tells me things all the time, and I need to learn to hear what it is saying.

I'm going to attempt to quit smoking soon. I'm a bit fearful about quitting. I've tried so many times and failed, that it's hard to believe that I can now. It's been a crutch and a friend for so long that my life is going to seem different without that smelly nasty cigarette. I'm reading a book right now called "Quitting the Easy Way", and I'm about half way through. It's been very informative and is giving me hope. I am going to do it. I can and I will!

I got a coupon in the mail today that I am really excited about. My doctor suggested getting massages for muscle pain and tension, but I was like "oh yeah, I can afford that". But this coupon just happened to show up in my mailbox today. It's for a 90 minute, yes I said 90 minute, massage for $57. That is a heck of a deal and I'm going to do it! I already asked Mark if it was ok with him and he said yes, so YAY! Now..... to find a babysitter LOL. I'm sure I'll figure something out, but I'm sure as heck NOT going to take even one singe child with me to it LOL. I'm going ALONE! :) Anyway..... that's what's going on the Green household at the moment. Hope everyone is happy and healthy!

Suffering from exhaustion anyone? LOL

So it's been a rough week. The day before I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia my daughter Cheyanne threw up in the morning, not a terribly unusual instance, she hadn't had breakfast yet and decided to tank up on milk. That is something that is strictly forbidden with my children, because if they drink ANYTHING before they eat, they often throw up. Ok, well, better safe than sorry right? So I kept her home from school. As the day went on, everything was just fine, no more barfing, playing normally, watching cartoons, coloring, you know, the usual. The next morning, as I was getting everyone ready for school and to go to my doctor's office, my son Adrian throws up. Ugh, right before my doctor's appointment. Ok, well, sick people go to the doctor, so I guess he'll just have to go too. I need to see the doctor, it's really important, so I take a chance. Everything is fine in the doctor's office, I talk to him for a long time, get diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and we're ready to go home. As we're leaving, my daughter Sadie starts burping. Her burps have the tell-tale odor of illness. I don't know how best to describe it, but burnt eggs? I don't know, whenever my kids have the flu, including myself, there is this awful burp taste and/or smell that gives it away. Oh joy! The flu! I run to the store to pick up my prescriptions get some gatorade and crackers and such in anitcipation of the next few coming days. We go home, the ones that have NOT thrown up get lunch, and the sickies get some crackers and water. About an hour or so after lunch Sadie get's sick. Thankfully she had a bowl :) smart mama I am.... LOL. So now she's sick. I go through the day cleaning up messes, disinfecting, doing laundry, changing sheets. If you've got kids, you know the drill. Everything's moving along, but I'm tired. Fibromyalgia will do that to you, I'm just plain exhasted by bedtime, and all I want to do is just go to sleep. I can't sleep though of course, also compliments of fibromylagia. So I take a pill to help me sleep and of course, IT DOESN'T WORK! Of course right? About 30 minutes or so after I lay down to go to sleep, my little one, Ana wakes up and barfs all over her bed. I have to bathe her, change her sheets, spray and wipe down her mattress, get her settled with a bowl, and hope she gets some sleep. So I'm trying to sleep, getting up every 30 min to an hr to aid a hurling child, giving mid-night baths, doing laundry all night long. I think I ended up with about an hour of actual sleep. So the next day I'm wiped out. Well, all but one child is done, and feeling a bit better. YAY, except for Adrian. He's got what's called Cyclic Vomiting. If he throws up for any reason, it can end him up in the hospital. I keep Phenergran suppositories on hand always for this poor kid, because even something as simple as motion sicknes can throw him into a cycle of vomiting that can last for weeks if untreated. Well, he starts doing better, and by the following day (Thursday) everyone back in school and doing fine. YAY again! So Valentines day comes and goes uneventfully, and everything's good. We have a delicious home cooked steak dinner with the kids and a wonderfully relaxing quiet evening. Yay again right? WRONG! I wake up the next morning (Sunday) at 3 am and now I'm sick! I can't keep anything down let alone my fibro meds. So now, not only am I sick to my stomach, sleeping all day, but now I've got all of the fibro pains back and it feels worse than it did before I got the meds! I was pretty sure I'd never been so miserable in my life as Sunday Feb. 15 2009. Everyone is well now, thank God, and my meds are back on schedule, and I'm feeling much much better. I'm still exhausted, but I've got an appointment again on Thursday with my doctor, and my meds will be adjusted. Hopefully I'll get a medication for sleep that will actually work for me, along with a muscle relaxer that will actually work also, and I'll start getting some sleep. Anyway, It's a rough road learning to deal with the trials and tribulations of maintaining a normal life and learning to deal with Fibromyalgia.

A new adventure

Well, here I am on a new adventure. While it's not what I would have liked for an adventure, it's the path that was chosen for me. I'm on a bunch of medications that are working a little. If they don't start working better by monday, I'll call the doctor and see if we can get them adjusted. So far the Gabapentin is working ok, probably need to up the dosage. The muscle relaxer, Robaxin, dosen't seem to be working for me. I have not noticed any change in that respect, my muscles still ache, and they twitch and spasm at night still, so I'm not getting a tremendous amout of sleep. The Amatriptyline for sleep doesn't seem to be working either. It's supposed to knock me out cold, but I have been taking it at about 8:30 pm, and falling asleep somewhere around midnight, then waking up every 2 hrs or so throughout the night. That doesn't sound like it's working does it?

I am not pleased that I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. It scares me a little to think that I'll be on medications for the rest of my life, and that I'll have to rearrange my life so much to learn to live with this disease, but, I'm grateful that it's something that can be treated, and will not cost me my life. I'm doing as much research as I can personally to learn more about this condition and how to cope with it. I intend to live a happy and fulfilled life, even though I've got this condition. I will learn to manage, and pace myself, and talk to my body. Nobody knows my body better than me, and I need to be the one listening to it and learning from it. I feel like, even though I have Fibromyalgia I can still life a full life, doing fun things, cooking, cleaning, being a good wife and mother. I'm not going to put my life on hold, just because I don't feel good. I can do things to make it better, and the medications can be adjusted to suit my needs, so I've got nothing to worry about. God is in control of everything, and he's still got a plan for me. I need to press closer to Him. I need to not lose my faith in Him. He will help me through this if I just trust in Him. That's a point I really need to remember. TRUST IN HIM!!!

Bad day anyone?

Today has been a horrible day. Ok, so this whole week has been bad. Some of you know that I've had constant pain in my knees, back, neck and muscle aches. I have suffered from insomnia for more than a year, and chronic migraines and headaches. So I finally broke down today and went to the doctor. He spent almost 45 minutes with me, which is unheard of at this office. We talked, I told him what was going on and how frustrated I've been with this seemingly invisible problem. My blood tests are normal, my urine tests are normal, I had a CT scan that was normal, ultrasounds which were all normal. For all accounts, they could find nothing wrong with me. After going through all of this for the last year and a half, my new doctor actually sat down and looked me in the eye. I started crying, because I finally felt like someone cared! I told him all my issues, told him that I was beginning to think there was something wrong with my head, like I was going crazy. I've complained about all of these problems for years, and according to all accounts "I am normal and there's nothing wrong with me". Nobody understood, until this new doctor. He poked around different parts of my body, squished my muscles, and actually pulled my chart up on the computer! As he was looking and talking and poking and prodding, he finally connected the dots. I have a diagnosis, and I'm not crazy! I have fibromyalgia. While it's a crummy diagnosis, and it certainly isn't something I WANT to have, I'm glad to know I am not crazy, and I am not going to die. It's just a nice feeling to be understood, and listened to. It's something that will be manageable, but it will take time to figure out which concoction of medications will help me the best and make my life easier. I am now on 6 different daily medications, and I'm praying that these will work, and if not, this doctor will help me find the combination that will. It's a bad day, but it a good day. Hard to explain the feelings right now. Might be the new meds, who knows.

Interesting mix of feelings

Tonight my mother came over and insulted my husband and called him "ruthless", then she insulted my mother in law calling her "inept" and I told her I did not want to have this conversation with her and she should leave. As she was leaving she told me I was "in denial". It was just weird to begin with, but then about 15 minutes later she sends me a text message on my cell phone that said "Judas kissed Jesus". So now I'm a traitor too? I'm angry about what she has said about myself and my family, but I'm also amused that she is being so childish. I am also a little hurt that my own mother, who is supposed to love me can be so awful to me. She doesn't show me love. She shows contempt for me and for my family. I understand that she does not like my mother in law, and honestly, my mother inlaw does not like her either, but I did NOTHING to instigate a fight with her. And how dare she just walk into my house without knocking and insult my husband! I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes! That's it, nothing more. My mind just cannot wrap around this tonight, and I feel the need to vent, but I don't even know where to go from here. Mark says she's jealous that I am fulfilled in my life. I've got a wonderful husband who loves me dearly, and my children are absolutely wonderful blessings, and I love them and they love me. That's more than she's got. Her kids don't even live with her. They lived with US for the last 2 years before moving in with my husband's employer. Ugh, a whole other nightmare story. Not to mention that she did all of her insulting tonight IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN!!! I have now instructed my children that when they come home from school, they are NOT to stop by her house, but to come directly home, and we are to keep the doors locked at all times and NOT answer the door to her. In the meantime, I've got a lot of thinking to do, but at this point I need to no longer have a relationship with her. I cannot continue this rollercoaster ride that is my mother.

25 Random facts about me

25 Random facts about me, stolen from Shanna's blog LOL.

1. I have a genetic disorder called Nail-Patella Syndrome. If your curious about it, google it! :)

2. 3 of my 4 children also have the genetic disorder, our youngest, Ana, does NOT have it.

3. When we were in high school, my now husband, tried to get me to date him. I kept telling him no, as I was not allowed to have a boyfriend. One day he cornered me in the hallway by the lockers and told me that one day I was going to marry him. He went into the service, and I went into foster care and didn't see eachother for about 5 years. When we saw eachother again, it was instant chemistry, and we were married about a year later.

4. After the birth of my son, I wanted to have all boys. I have 3 girls now and my son LOL.

5. My grandma is my next best friend besides my husband.

6. I cannot function in the morning until I have at least 3 cups of coffee. I use lots of 1/2 & 1/2 in my coffee.

7. I lose stamina on projects quickly, and leave them unfinished for long periods of time.

8. I want to be organized, but I'm a terrible organizer.

9. I love to cook, however, I hate cleaning up my own mess after I cook.

10. I refuse to let my husband do laundry. I'm extremely picky about it, and I am sure he won't do it right. Right = my way, so his way = wrong. Right?

11. I have amazing inlaws. I couldn't have asked for any better. I'm so blessed.

12. I'm addicted to Bath & Body Works scents. I've got 4 different smells that I rotate. Warm Vanilla Sugar, Country Apple, Cherry blossom, and Sweet Pea. Sweet Pea and Warm Vanilla Sugar are my two favorites that I use most frequently.

13. I'm on a bowling league Sunday nights. I haven't bowled in 3 weeks since my surgery and I'm DYING to go throw a ball down the lanes. Have to wait a couple more weeks though.

14. I have a woodstove in my house, and I'm cold blooded. It's not unusual for me to keep the house at a balmy 80 degrees in the winter time. My kids have to run around in shorts and tanks, poor kids.

15. I've gained 5 pounds in the 2 weeks following my hysterectomy.

16. I'm a penny pinching miser, that refuses to spend money on anything that is not neccessary. My printer has been out of ink AND paper for almost 3 months, but I can't see any reason to buy any, so I haven't.

17. I never buy clothes for myself. My husband picks out, buys and brings home clothes for me, when he thinks I need some. I'm cool with what I have, but he thinks I need more LOL.

18. I rarely eat breakfast. I'm not a morning person, and I'm not hungry usually until about lunchtime.

19. I love to fish, hunt and grow vegetables. I wish that things in the world were more "old fashioned" and I had someone to can and butcher with.

20. I have absolutely NO artistic ability. I cannot paint, draw, scrapbook, craft, knit, crochet, or any other sort of crafty sort of thing. I can however decorate a cake. Doesn't make any sense I know.

21. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be an Archaeologist, and still to this day I am fascinated with History, and Archaeology. I'm addicted to the History Channel and National Geographic Channel.

22. I love romance novels, especially by Jude Deveraux, and left to myself I can read 2 novels in a day if I am not constantly interrupted, or if I have nothing else to do. (like when I was in the hospital)

23. I love a good football game on a Sunday afternoon. Falling asleep on the couch while relaxing with a belly full of football snacks is right up my alley.

24. I don't make friends easily or quickly. I am too quiet and I'm always leery about what people "really think" about me.

25. I love being a wife and mommy and I wouldn't trade what I do for any amount of money or any other career in the world.

Bored and Lonely

Today I'm feeling somewhat bored and very lonely. All the kids are home from school today, but they aren't very good adult conversation. I miss my husband, and wish he was home. I have a lot to do today, but I over did it yesterday, so I'm sore and tired today, and need to take it a bit easier. I also have my post-op appointment today, so hopefully I'll find out that everything is fine, even though I still have some obnoxious swelling on the left side, and my intestines are still uncomfortable, and it hurts to pee. I hope all of that is normal, I've been told it is, but it will be good to hear from the doctor that everything is ok. LOL, I'm still in my night shirt, and my legs haven't been shaved in nearly 2 weeks. Yucky. I feel hairy :) I think I'm strong enought to bend over and shave them now, so maybe today when I shower I'll attempt it. I'm sure the doctor has seen hairy legs before, so I'll wait til this evening when Mark is home, so I will feel a little safer taking a shower. I'm not quite up to my old self again, so I feel better knowing that he is home so I don't get hurt and he'll be here to keep an eye on the kids. They seem to like to get into things and destroy things if I leave them unattended for any lenght of time. I've learned not to shower when nobody else is home unless I HAVE to. I am feeling a bit anxious today too, not sure why. Maybe it's because of my doctor's appointment, or perhaps it's because I'm starting to feel more anxious to move. I really feel strongly convicted to move back to Washington. Not saying it's going to make life "easier", in fact, it might make things harder for a little while, but I am not often "convicted" to do anything. It's not just a desire, it's like I feel a NEED to. I don't know what to make of the way I'm feeling, it's just what it is I suppose. I need to get some more boxes so I can pack up some more of the things we don't regularly use, to make the actual moving process easier. Mark is having an "open house" thing on Saturday to see if we can get more people in to see the house, and to try to sell it faster. Superbowl is on Sunday, and this will be the first year that we don't have superbowl party at our house since we married. I'm sad that I'm not up to throwing one this year, but even sadder that we don't have any friends down here that are interested in superbowl. Everyone moved away. The few friends that are left here aren't into football, and have other things going on on Superbowl, so it'll just be us. It seems weird. My whole world seems weird right now. I dont' know what's changed, or what's different, but I feel different, I feel like situations are different, and I feel like other people are different. It's kind of scary to me. I don't like change and I feel an air of change, and I don't feel like it's good change. It probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, and I'm never any good at putting my feelings into words. Oh, well. Maybe someone else knows. Maybe I'm a bit depressed, which is a possiblity considering that I no longer have a uterus. I don't miss it, but at the same time, it's such a strange thought...... I no longer have a uterus..... Wow. Ok then. It's been a part of me for my whole life, my children grew in there. It's gone?!? Really?? The plus side for sure is that I'll never have a monthly again. Whew, that's a relief LOL. But really it's gone? I suppose I'll accept it at some point, but for now, I think I'm still in a bit of denial. I have this great big incision on my abdomen, which is still fresh, still painful, and something I have to deal with, but it still is hard to realize that I had a hysterectomy. I'm only 27! That's what happens to old people right? LOL. Strange huh? I'll come to accept everything sooner or later I suppose. So enough of my rambling..... I'm going to bore myself!

Just one of those days

I'm feeling frustrated and stressed out today. The kids keep fighting and arguing, they aren't listening to me, I'm frustrated at myself because I need to and want to do more housework and stuff, but I just can't. I'm so tired of sitting around and laying on the couch. I'm perpetually behind on nearly all of my housework, I need to go grocery shopping, but I can't, Mark's at work and won't be home until 7 ish tonight, my daughters need baths, and I can't do it all!!! Grrrr. I really wish my family was more help on days like this. It's so hard to see what needs to be done just sitting there undone. It's not like my house it trashed, but it's not clean. The table needs washed, and so do the counters, the floors need swept and mopped..... ugh, the list just goes on and on. I'm sure that my frustration is adding to the problem with the kids, but I'm really feeling overwhelmed today. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't go take a walk, I can't go soak in the tub for 2 reasons.... the incision and nobody to keep an eye on the kids. *sigh* I think I just need to get out of the house or something. I've been cooped up for almost 2 weeks, and I've got cabin fever I think. I can't think of any GOOD way to relieve my stress right now. I really can't wait until I'm all healed and back on track. I feel a little better every day, so there is hope, but I'm being impatient and want to be all mended NOW! LOL. I'm told patience is a virtue, but I assure you, it's not one of mine.

Woohoo!

Today is a better day. I'm still sore, but I'm definietly feeling better. My energy level is still pretty low, but I anticipate that it should start getting better soon. It's such a relief to start to feel better though. I still have pretty significant sweeling on one side, but I go to the doctor on Thursday, so I'll find out about that then. Hopefully it's just normal, not infection or anything. My friend has also had a hysterectomy, and she calls me her hyster sister now. LOL. I just found that to be amusing. I had to explain to my kids why I had surgery. I dodged the question as long as I could, while I thought about what to say. In the end, I told them that the house that babies live in, is inside every mommy's tummy. Mine wasn't working right so the doctors took it out. That seemed to pass, although it spurred a billion more questions about babies and where they come from...... you know how it goes. I've told them that there are questions that I can answer now, and some have to wait until they are older. They seem to have accepted that for now, so I'm glad. Hopefully it will stay that way. Anyway, I'm off. Gotta do something.... laundry maybe? I'm so behind on everything, it's going to take me FOREVER to get caught up.

Today is another day

Well, I have to say, even though I hurt, I feel better today. I over did it a little yesterday, but I felt like I actually did something. I'm so tired of sitting around. I need to take it a little easier, but at the same time, Mark's at work, so I'm on my own with my little ones. It's hard, but I'm confident that as I feel better, it will get easier for me. I did load the dishwasher partially yesterday, I washed my bathroom counter and organized it, folded 2 loads of laundry, and washed my 2 littlest one's hair. It doesn't sound like much, but for me it was quite an accomplishment. It was definitely a little too much for one day, just one week post-op, but at the same time it felt good to do something. I need to slow down and rest a little today to make up for it. I go to my post-op appointment on Thursday, and I'm hoping that the Dr. will release me to drive. I don't really want to try to venture out with a bunch of kids, but it will at least make me feel a little bit better to be able to get in my van and go somewhere in case of an emergency.


Ugh, my mother (who is mentally ill in my opinion and was diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder), is driving me crazy this morning. I simply asked her if she would be willing to take Cheyanne to the bus this morning, because it's too far for me to walk, and I am not released to drive yet. First she told me she was going to have to "check her schedule", which is ludacris as she has no JOB, and has no FRIENDS. So what the heck does she have on her "schedule"? Now she's called me already this morning to pick a fight with me about my mother in law. I know she doesn't like my mother in law, but geesh. What does that have to do with me?!? My mother and my mother in law got in an argument on Monday, the day I came home from the hospital, and my mother has completely shunned me because of that argument. In that argument, I did not say one word. I went outside to get Mark to deal with the problem because I'd only been home from the hospital for maybe, and I mean MAYBE 30 minutes. Now mind you, I've had surgery, and people I barely know have been bringing meals, and coming to help me clean, and many other things, but what has my mother done? Not talked to me in a WEEK! Geesh. So I ask her to do ONE thing for me. Just one. Something simple I might add, that only takes a couple of minutes, and this is what I get. This is the sort of thing, that happens on a regular basis, I want to get away from. I don't need this. I don't need this at all, and nor do my children or my husband! What the heck did I do to deserve a family like this. I honestly don't want anything to do with her, or my siblings, who have developed to be very much like her! I really can't wait to get out of here. Honestly, above all else, SHE is the reason I want to move so badly. I just hope she doesn't follow me back to Washington like she did when we moved down here. The good news is, while we're living at my inlaw's house, we'll be in the country 8 miles from town, so it's not like she can move in next door, as she now lives 6 doors down from me in the park we live in. Yuck. Today is shaping up to be a cruddy day in dealing with my mother. It's worse than dealing with an obnoxious child that isn't yours and a dog that isn't potty trained all rolled into one.

Hello

It's been a few days since I've been able to post. We have been "offline" for several days, but I'm back now. Things are going ok around here. My healing is going a little slower than I would like, but it's trucking along. Every day I feel a little bit better in one area, but still having trouble with others. Healing is for the birds. I'm tired of being on pain medications, so I try to get away with not taking it, but after a short while, I have to take more, just so I am at least minimally functional. I'm trying to do a little bit more when I'm able to, I'm washing and drying laundry now, just having trouble with the folding and putting away part. Mark has been carrying a big burden with working, trying to get our house ready sell, taking care of the kids, the housework and me. I feel bad that he is having to work so hard, he deserves a vacation. He doesn't complain at all though. I wish there was a way other than words to tell him how much I appreciate him. He's such a good man, I'm so blessed. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I really feel blessed to have a husband like him, there seem to be so few men like him.

I'm getting eager to move. I'm ready for a change in my life. I'm ready for a slower pace, and to be a tighter knit family with my inlaws, who are really great people and wonderful support. We'll be living with Mark's parents for a year to a year and a half while we are developing their 2 1/2 acre parcel of land that's attatched to thiers. While it won't be "ours" it will be cheap living and when they are ready to retire, we can either purchase the land from them, or we'll get profits from the sale, so in the end it's a win win situation for all parties involved. I really miss living in Washington close to friends, and close to Mark's family, which is a healthy family, unlike my own who lives down here. I need to separate myself and my children from all the unhealthiness that they are subjected to on a daily basis from my side of the family. I am so blessed to have married into a wonderful family. My mother in law calls me a "jewel". It makes me feel good to have her say such nice things about me. I don't really know how to put my thoughts into words as well as I would like, but the end game, is that I want to live my own life apart from my side of the family, with the support that I never received and will never receive from my crazy codependent family. I NEED to get away. I'm not "running" away, but I am I believe, doing what's in the best interest of my children and my marriage. And I want to do it. I WANT to be a good mother, and a closer family, and I WANT my children to have good examples and I WANT the back up and support in my choices that my inlaws give. I WANT to be parents like THEM! Not very many people can say that they had wonderful parents that did things right, and instilled good values in them, but my husband was blessed with EXACTLY that sort of family! Wow, that's powerful. What a good and wonderful God to have sent that family into my life! I want my children and thier husbands and wives to feel that way about me, and what better way to acheive that than to have a role model like them :)

Yikes

I thought that when you were healing things were supposed to FEEL better. Not today! Not only do I have the internal pain and bruised feeling that already hurt, but apparently my skin has decided that it is going to get some of it's feeling back and IT BURNS! Now if I move one way, my insides hurt, and if I move a different way, my skin feels like it's being ripped apart. Either way, I am hurting A LOT today. I was really looking forward to feeling better, but today I feel almost like a step back. Ugh. What a nerve wracking thing this is. I'm getting little bit of energy back but I'm still taking pain medication so that zaps my energy almost as quickly as I've regained it. Mark has to go back to work tomorrow and the lady from our bowling league, Ronda, has volunteered to come and be with me tomorrow. That was such a nice thing for her to do, I don't know her that well, but for her to offer and even take a day off work to be with me so I'm not alone, what a blessing! It still feels weird for me to have other people doing so much for me. I am having a hard time just letting my husband clean and not wanting to jump in and take over. Fortunately my pain reminds me that I cannot, so I'm not over doing it.

Mark took Cheyanne to her bus stop yesterday, which is at the entrance to our park, and they rode his motorcycle. She is quite the little adventure seeker, and while they were parked at the bus stop, she was standing on the seat holding the handle bars doing a "look ma, no feet" thing. I wish Mark had taken a camera because it just sounds too funny. I love her adventurous side, she gets that from her dad. Sadie, is my little bleeding heart. She's the sweetest little caring individual. She wants so badly to make me feel better, that she's forever offering to do something for me. It's really sweet. Her grandma, my inlaw, went home on Tuesday after being with the kids all weekend, and she cried and cried. My kids call Mark's parents "lela" and "pepa". Anyhow Sadie just cried that she missed her Lela already and wanted her to come back. It's funny, because she's really close to Mark's mom, and Mark's mom is also a very sensitive person and often cries when she leaves the grandkids. You know, I've got the greatest inlaws. I couldn't have asked for better. It still amazes me that God blessed me with such wonderful family. My own personal family leaves much to be desired, so his family is always a breath of fresh air. I'm glad that we have such a good relationship with Mark's family, it makes up for what I lacked with my own when I was young.

Whew

Well, I'm home from the hospital, I came home on Monday. I'm very sore and very tired and have an 8 inch long incision on my lower abdomen, I believe they call it a bikini cut. The incision looks good, and for that I am glad. I am still praying that I don't get any infections! It's been tough getting around, and I am so grateful for all the prayers and meals that people have been bringing over. It's been a huge releif to know that I don't have to cook, and Mark doesn't have to learn to cook! LOL. My stay at the hospital was uneventful, it was nice to be able to take those few days and relax, and just let someone else take care of me. I have to say though that the pain I was expecting and the pain that I have are different. It's very much like a c-section, only worse. I guess when you're pregnant your body naturally is preparing for the trauma of birth, while a hysterectomy, you're body is not "preparing" for anything, and SURPRISE! You've just been butchered. I am trying to stay down and let myself heal, and take the pain medications that they gave me, but it's hard to do. I'm not used to sitting around, so I find myself doing things that I shouldn't be doing before I've realized I did them. Then I did too much, and hurt myself, and have to take more medication. It's a vicious cycle. I feel bad though putting so much burden on Mark. He's willing and he keeps telling me it's ok, but I just can't help feel bad, you know? He's doing MY job! LOL. Oh, well. I need to go rest now, but I just thought I'd try to update everyone about what's going on, and let everyone know I'm ok.

The morning of

Ok, so I'm a wreck. I hardly slept at all, but I expected that. I'm exhausted and I WANT COFFEE!!! But I can't have any. My stomach is in knots anyway, and I've got a very nervous stomach, so it's probably best that I don't have any. I leave for the hospital in about an hour, and my house is a mess. I guess that's to be expected, as yesterday I was kind of in a slump. I was feeling kind of depressed and very anxious and I just didn't get anything done. Well, I did get some done, but not as much as I had hoped. I really didn't feel like I had any energy yesterday, which I suppose is from not sleeping much the previous nights. I have my bag all packed and ready to go, and I kissed my kids up last night and gave them great big hugs before bed, and they still don't quite understand that mommy's not going to be home for a few days, and don't even bother trying to explain surgery to a 4 year old. LOL. She just couldn't fathom something like that. Mark tried really hard to stay up with me last night because I just couldn't fall asleep. Finally at around 10:30 I told him to just go to sleep, he was so tired from working and I didn't want him to be exhausted the next day. Poor guy. He works so hard. Anyway, I thank everyone for their prayers and support, without all of you, I'm sure I'd be an even bigger wreck than I am already, and I especially thank everyone who is bringing a meal to my family. It really means a lot to me to have all of you. I'll try to post on here or send a message to the group when I'm out of recovery and into a room. Providing I'm awake.

My last day home

Wow, last night was absolutely the WORST nights sleep I've had in a long time! I spent the whole night in that not quite asleep state, thinking about what I needed to do, what was going to happen when I went into surgery, the hospital, all that good stuff. I've got many people now bringing meals when I'm down so that is a HUGE relief. That was one thing that I was really concerned about. Mark just doesn't cook, so it was something I was really worried about. I don't really mind so much that my house is going to be a disaster, it's going to be dirty, and disorganized, but at least my kids and husband will be fed, and to me, that is paramount. I still have much to do today to get ready. I need to finish cleaning the house, which includes sweeping and mopping both the kitchen and the livingroom and diningroom areas (we have pergo floors), I need to vacuum my bedroom and wash the kitchen counters. I only have 1 or 2 loads of laundry to do, and I still need to pack my bags. I know I won't sleep tonight, so getting up really early won't be so painful. I'm really not a morning person, so check in at 7:30 seemed really daunting, but being up super early will be just routine. I've heard that McKenzie Willamette hospital really provides great care and individializes everything, so I'm really hoping to have a good experience. I'm still scared, but who wouldn't be when they've never really had surgery? Right?

We had a great night last night. We went to Cafe Maroc, and it was a really interesting place. I really love ethnic foods and flavors and spices, and this place had lots of it! We sat on pillows in a tent, ate with our hands and watched a belly dancer. I'm told it's quite accurately middle eastern. I wasn't totally crazy about the cinnamon they put in EVERYTHING, but it was really good anyhow. The experience was very unique. They serve lots of Lamb and they even have goat. I really love lamb, I think it's quite tasty when cooked properly, and they certainly did do that! I couldn't taste any of the game-y flavor that lamb can sometimes have. It was funny, we all ordered different entrees, but we all decided we would share so that we could try everyones. I really had a hard time eating with my fingers, and an even harder time sticking my fingers in someone else's bowl to try some of theirs. It wasn't so bad sticking my fingers in Mark's bowl, but he's my husband, it was difficult sticking them in his bosses and his wife's bowl though. LOL. Apparently they had eaten in this manner before and were totally comfortable sharing our food and just jumped right in. I was amused that you spend your whole childhood being taught and told NOT to eat with your fingers, but to use your utensils, then you go to a place like this, and they say "alright, eat with your fingers!", it just seemed so unnatural LOL. The food was good besides the cinnamon. I like cinnamon, but I don't think I like it THAT much. I'm not crazy about it in my meats. Some applications were better than others, but it had a tendancy to make the meats sweet, and I never have much cared for sweet meats, but to someone who really likes cinnamon and sweet meats, this place would be perfect. It really was a great experience. The atmosphere was really amazing. It was almost like being in a different country, with the music, the decor and the belly dancer. I was pleased with the experience. We all had a really good time, and I hope that we can do something interesting like that again. It was completely new for both Mark and I.

One day closer......

Ok, so I slept just ok last night. I'm really getting frustrated about the lack of sleep that I've been suffering with. It's really hard to wake up repeatedly all night, and I don't even have a newborn! LOL. I'm sure it's still just my nerves about having surgery. Today and tomorrow is all I have left before the big day. I've still got SO much to do to prepare! There are now 4 families that are bringing a meal for my family, and that is making me feel SOOO much better. I've also stored a couple of meat dishes in the freezer for my husband to just heat and serve, and all he'll have to do is make a veggie and maybe some rice or potatoes or something. He's such a good Daddy, but he is severely lacking in the cooking department, LOL. He can bake like nobody else, but cake and bread are not going to feed the kids LOL. Well, it will feed them, but not in a "healthy" sort of "balanced" way LOL. My nerves are really frazzled though, I had my anesthesia appointment yesterday, and the did labwork. It became really surreal to me after they put a blood bank bracelet on my arm and said that it was imperitive that I wear it. They did a match, cross and type for the bloodbank, and it kind of scared me. They said that with any abdominal surger especially regarding female organs, there is a high risk of bleeding and they need to be prepared to give me a blood transfusion. I think I turned white when she said that because she asked me if I was ok. Then they gave me some special soap that I have to scrub with at home the morning of my surgery called Bactine, or something like that. That helps keep down the amount of bacteria that gets in to the operating room. Of course when she had talked about bacteria in the OR and risk of bleeding and infection, my mind just took off with that and RAN. *sigh* I am having a really hard time just NOT thinking about things like that. You know, the "what if's". I keep praying and trying my hardest to just give it to God, but geesh. That's hard to do! I am confident that everything will be alright and work out in the end though. I just need to I guess dwell on something more pleasant. I still have a TON of work to do with cleaning, organizing, and getting myself prepared to be in the hospital for 3 or 4 days.

There is something fun going on at the same time though. Tonight my husband and I are going out to dinner with the owner of Lane Forest Products and his wife. We've known them for a long time, and even though they are my husband's employer we've developed a relationship with them that I would ALMOST call friendship. They are taking us out, which is nice since we're, uh, how do you put that delicately, "financially challenged"? LOL. Some place next to Adam's Place that is Morroccan themed. I can't recall the name. I don't think I've ever had Morroccan food so this ought to be interesting. They've taken us out before, and it's always interesting to be let into their world breifly. They've got money, and higher standards for food and such, so when we get a sneak peek into what the upper crust gets to do for fun and what they eat is always a wonderful experience for me. I have a true love affair with food, and I enjoy so many types, kinds and I adore flavor. The last time they took us out was to Ambrosia. Let me tell you..... Oh Boy! That was some seriously good Italian food. Some of the best that I've ever eaten, and the experience was just so much fun. I'm hoping that tonight will be as much fun as last time and I'm looking forward to spending time with some good people, and having a great time.

Woohoo, it's a new day! I actually got a little sleep last night. I didn't sleep all the way through the night, but I only woke up once, so I will call that progress. I was able to shut my mind off a little about having surgery. I did wake up with a bad dream, sort of, more like a what I call "morning dream". You know, the dreams that you have when you're kind of awake, but kind of asleep. I dreamt that I got up on the day of my surgery and had coffee (which of course I can't do!) at a friend's house (also won't be doing that), and got to the hospital where I proceeded to get an IV and started crying and freaking out, then I started throwing up, then I realized that my husband wouldn't be there with me because he had to work (also not happening). I didn't really wake up with a start, but I did wake up thinkin "what the heck?" I really need to quit worrying so much. One of my biggest worries is about food. I HAVE food, but the problem is that Mark doesn't cook, and I don't really think that I'm going to feel a lot like cooking after coming home. I know there are at least 2 meals coming from people in the old homeschool group I was part of, but other than that...... well, I'm just concerned about it. Oh, well. One must do what they must right?

On another note, we got probably 3/4 of the main bath remodel done. Just a little more left. We painted the the cabinets this really beautiful light blue with a gray-ish tint, and the trim to match. We got the lighthouse border up around the ceiling, and the rest of the wall painted white. We still have 2 more cupboard doors to prime and paint, and I need to buy white knobs for them and white hinges. Oh, and we also need to put the new tub surround up, and get the paint that I dripped (oops) on the floor up and the nailpolish my sweet little daughters have gotten on the counter and on the floor. The shower curtain is hanging in my closet right now, trying to get the wrinkles out before we put it up too. It's also lighthouse themed and matches the wall border. I'll try to get some pictures up when it's finished. I think it's going to look really good, it's not even finished and it's already looking much, much better.

Getting a little bit more nervous everyday....

Yikes. I'm getting more nervous as the days go by. I don't want to have surgery, but at the same time I do. What a strange feeling to be so conflicted. I'm ready to get back to MY life, be normal, and have myself back. And to make things worse, I just keep stressing out about it. I think all the time now about what's going to happen afterward. You know, I'm glad that I'll be getting more "normal" again, and the pain to go away, but I'm worried about how I'm going to take care of my husband, 4 kids and our dog and cat afterward. Also, we're remodeling and selling our house all at the same time. My mind is going 100 mph in 1,000 different directions about everything. I'm ready for a vacation LOL. Ok enough complaining..... let's talk about something else.

Ok, so night before last I was cooking dinner and my littlest one Ana, who's 3 years old is watching me and talking to me, asking a billion questions while I'm cooking and she just pauses for a second. I just kept cooking and going about my merry way, and she says "wow, mommy, you're ACTUALLY doing good"! I stopped and looked at her and just started laughing. Actually? LOL, do I usually do bad? I thought it was humorous so I told Mark about it. We both had a good laugh about what she'd said. The next day Mark was putting mop & glo down on our kitchen linoleum after he'd scrubbed the heck out of it and was working on his 3rd or 4th coat trying to seal it nicely and here comes little Ana again. She looks at her dad and says to him "wow, Daddy, you're ACTUALLY doing good"! We both just started cracking up. LOL, I mean, what does this little thing "actually" think of us, that we "actually" can do things good once in a while. I don't know what goes on in her cute little head, but she sure does amuse us.