Whew

Well, I'm home from the hospital, I came home on Monday. I'm very sore and very tired and have an 8 inch long incision on my lower abdomen, I believe they call it a bikini cut. The incision looks good, and for that I am glad. I am still praying that I don't get any infections! It's been tough getting around, and I am so grateful for all the prayers and meals that people have been bringing over. It's been a huge releif to know that I don't have to cook, and Mark doesn't have to learn to cook! LOL. My stay at the hospital was uneventful, it was nice to be able to take those few days and relax, and just let someone else take care of me. I have to say though that the pain I was expecting and the pain that I have are different. It's very much like a c-section, only worse. I guess when you're pregnant your body naturally is preparing for the trauma of birth, while a hysterectomy, you're body is not "preparing" for anything, and SURPRISE! You've just been butchered. I am trying to stay down and let myself heal, and take the pain medications that they gave me, but it's hard to do. I'm not used to sitting around, so I find myself doing things that I shouldn't be doing before I've realized I did them. Then I did too much, and hurt myself, and have to take more medication. It's a vicious cycle. I feel bad though putting so much burden on Mark. He's willing and he keeps telling me it's ok, but I just can't help feel bad, you know? He's doing MY job! LOL. Oh, well. I need to go rest now, but I just thought I'd try to update everyone about what's going on, and let everyone know I'm ok.

The morning of

Ok, so I'm a wreck. I hardly slept at all, but I expected that. I'm exhausted and I WANT COFFEE!!! But I can't have any. My stomach is in knots anyway, and I've got a very nervous stomach, so it's probably best that I don't have any. I leave for the hospital in about an hour, and my house is a mess. I guess that's to be expected, as yesterday I was kind of in a slump. I was feeling kind of depressed and very anxious and I just didn't get anything done. Well, I did get some done, but not as much as I had hoped. I really didn't feel like I had any energy yesterday, which I suppose is from not sleeping much the previous nights. I have my bag all packed and ready to go, and I kissed my kids up last night and gave them great big hugs before bed, and they still don't quite understand that mommy's not going to be home for a few days, and don't even bother trying to explain surgery to a 4 year old. LOL. She just couldn't fathom something like that. Mark tried really hard to stay up with me last night because I just couldn't fall asleep. Finally at around 10:30 I told him to just go to sleep, he was so tired from working and I didn't want him to be exhausted the next day. Poor guy. He works so hard. Anyway, I thank everyone for their prayers and support, without all of you, I'm sure I'd be an even bigger wreck than I am already, and I especially thank everyone who is bringing a meal to my family. It really means a lot to me to have all of you. I'll try to post on here or send a message to the group when I'm out of recovery and into a room. Providing I'm awake.

My last day home

Wow, last night was absolutely the WORST nights sleep I've had in a long time! I spent the whole night in that not quite asleep state, thinking about what I needed to do, what was going to happen when I went into surgery, the hospital, all that good stuff. I've got many people now bringing meals when I'm down so that is a HUGE relief. That was one thing that I was really concerned about. Mark just doesn't cook, so it was something I was really worried about. I don't really mind so much that my house is going to be a disaster, it's going to be dirty, and disorganized, but at least my kids and husband will be fed, and to me, that is paramount. I still have much to do today to get ready. I need to finish cleaning the house, which includes sweeping and mopping both the kitchen and the livingroom and diningroom areas (we have pergo floors), I need to vacuum my bedroom and wash the kitchen counters. I only have 1 or 2 loads of laundry to do, and I still need to pack my bags. I know I won't sleep tonight, so getting up really early won't be so painful. I'm really not a morning person, so check in at 7:30 seemed really daunting, but being up super early will be just routine. I've heard that McKenzie Willamette hospital really provides great care and individializes everything, so I'm really hoping to have a good experience. I'm still scared, but who wouldn't be when they've never really had surgery? Right?

We had a great night last night. We went to Cafe Maroc, and it was a really interesting place. I really love ethnic foods and flavors and spices, and this place had lots of it! We sat on pillows in a tent, ate with our hands and watched a belly dancer. I'm told it's quite accurately middle eastern. I wasn't totally crazy about the cinnamon they put in EVERYTHING, but it was really good anyhow. The experience was very unique. They serve lots of Lamb and they even have goat. I really love lamb, I think it's quite tasty when cooked properly, and they certainly did do that! I couldn't taste any of the game-y flavor that lamb can sometimes have. It was funny, we all ordered different entrees, but we all decided we would share so that we could try everyones. I really had a hard time eating with my fingers, and an even harder time sticking my fingers in someone else's bowl to try some of theirs. It wasn't so bad sticking my fingers in Mark's bowl, but he's my husband, it was difficult sticking them in his bosses and his wife's bowl though. LOL. Apparently they had eaten in this manner before and were totally comfortable sharing our food and just jumped right in. I was amused that you spend your whole childhood being taught and told NOT to eat with your fingers, but to use your utensils, then you go to a place like this, and they say "alright, eat with your fingers!", it just seemed so unnatural LOL. The food was good besides the cinnamon. I like cinnamon, but I don't think I like it THAT much. I'm not crazy about it in my meats. Some applications were better than others, but it had a tendancy to make the meats sweet, and I never have much cared for sweet meats, but to someone who really likes cinnamon and sweet meats, this place would be perfect. It really was a great experience. The atmosphere was really amazing. It was almost like being in a different country, with the music, the decor and the belly dancer. I was pleased with the experience. We all had a really good time, and I hope that we can do something interesting like that again. It was completely new for both Mark and I.

One day closer......

Ok, so I slept just ok last night. I'm really getting frustrated about the lack of sleep that I've been suffering with. It's really hard to wake up repeatedly all night, and I don't even have a newborn! LOL. I'm sure it's still just my nerves about having surgery. Today and tomorrow is all I have left before the big day. I've still got SO much to do to prepare! There are now 4 families that are bringing a meal for my family, and that is making me feel SOOO much better. I've also stored a couple of meat dishes in the freezer for my husband to just heat and serve, and all he'll have to do is make a veggie and maybe some rice or potatoes or something. He's such a good Daddy, but he is severely lacking in the cooking department, LOL. He can bake like nobody else, but cake and bread are not going to feed the kids LOL. Well, it will feed them, but not in a "healthy" sort of "balanced" way LOL. My nerves are really frazzled though, I had my anesthesia appointment yesterday, and the did labwork. It became really surreal to me after they put a blood bank bracelet on my arm and said that it was imperitive that I wear it. They did a match, cross and type for the bloodbank, and it kind of scared me. They said that with any abdominal surger especially regarding female organs, there is a high risk of bleeding and they need to be prepared to give me a blood transfusion. I think I turned white when she said that because she asked me if I was ok. Then they gave me some special soap that I have to scrub with at home the morning of my surgery called Bactine, or something like that. That helps keep down the amount of bacteria that gets in to the operating room. Of course when she had talked about bacteria in the OR and risk of bleeding and infection, my mind just took off with that and RAN. *sigh* I am having a really hard time just NOT thinking about things like that. You know, the "what if's". I keep praying and trying my hardest to just give it to God, but geesh. That's hard to do! I am confident that everything will be alright and work out in the end though. I just need to I guess dwell on something more pleasant. I still have a TON of work to do with cleaning, organizing, and getting myself prepared to be in the hospital for 3 or 4 days.

There is something fun going on at the same time though. Tonight my husband and I are going out to dinner with the owner of Lane Forest Products and his wife. We've known them for a long time, and even though they are my husband's employer we've developed a relationship with them that I would ALMOST call friendship. They are taking us out, which is nice since we're, uh, how do you put that delicately, "financially challenged"? LOL. Some place next to Adam's Place that is Morroccan themed. I can't recall the name. I don't think I've ever had Morroccan food so this ought to be interesting. They've taken us out before, and it's always interesting to be let into their world breifly. They've got money, and higher standards for food and such, so when we get a sneak peek into what the upper crust gets to do for fun and what they eat is always a wonderful experience for me. I have a true love affair with food, and I enjoy so many types, kinds and I adore flavor. The last time they took us out was to Ambrosia. Let me tell you..... Oh Boy! That was some seriously good Italian food. Some of the best that I've ever eaten, and the experience was just so much fun. I'm hoping that tonight will be as much fun as last time and I'm looking forward to spending time with some good people, and having a great time.

Woohoo, it's a new day! I actually got a little sleep last night. I didn't sleep all the way through the night, but I only woke up once, so I will call that progress. I was able to shut my mind off a little about having surgery. I did wake up with a bad dream, sort of, more like a what I call "morning dream". You know, the dreams that you have when you're kind of awake, but kind of asleep. I dreamt that I got up on the day of my surgery and had coffee (which of course I can't do!) at a friend's house (also won't be doing that), and got to the hospital where I proceeded to get an IV and started crying and freaking out, then I started throwing up, then I realized that my husband wouldn't be there with me because he had to work (also not happening). I didn't really wake up with a start, but I did wake up thinkin "what the heck?" I really need to quit worrying so much. One of my biggest worries is about food. I HAVE food, but the problem is that Mark doesn't cook, and I don't really think that I'm going to feel a lot like cooking after coming home. I know there are at least 2 meals coming from people in the old homeschool group I was part of, but other than that...... well, I'm just concerned about it. Oh, well. One must do what they must right?

On another note, we got probably 3/4 of the main bath remodel done. Just a little more left. We painted the the cabinets this really beautiful light blue with a gray-ish tint, and the trim to match. We got the lighthouse border up around the ceiling, and the rest of the wall painted white. We still have 2 more cupboard doors to prime and paint, and I need to buy white knobs for them and white hinges. Oh, and we also need to put the new tub surround up, and get the paint that I dripped (oops) on the floor up and the nailpolish my sweet little daughters have gotten on the counter and on the floor. The shower curtain is hanging in my closet right now, trying to get the wrinkles out before we put it up too. It's also lighthouse themed and matches the wall border. I'll try to get some pictures up when it's finished. I think it's going to look really good, it's not even finished and it's already looking much, much better.

Getting a little bit more nervous everyday....

Yikes. I'm getting more nervous as the days go by. I don't want to have surgery, but at the same time I do. What a strange feeling to be so conflicted. I'm ready to get back to MY life, be normal, and have myself back. And to make things worse, I just keep stressing out about it. I think all the time now about what's going to happen afterward. You know, I'm glad that I'll be getting more "normal" again, and the pain to go away, but I'm worried about how I'm going to take care of my husband, 4 kids and our dog and cat afterward. Also, we're remodeling and selling our house all at the same time. My mind is going 100 mph in 1,000 different directions about everything. I'm ready for a vacation LOL. Ok enough complaining..... let's talk about something else.

Ok, so night before last I was cooking dinner and my littlest one Ana, who's 3 years old is watching me and talking to me, asking a billion questions while I'm cooking and she just pauses for a second. I just kept cooking and going about my merry way, and she says "wow, mommy, you're ACTUALLY doing good"! I stopped and looked at her and just started laughing. Actually? LOL, do I usually do bad? I thought it was humorous so I told Mark about it. We both had a good laugh about what she'd said. The next day Mark was putting mop & glo down on our kitchen linoleum after he'd scrubbed the heck out of it and was working on his 3rd or 4th coat trying to seal it nicely and here comes little Ana again. She looks at her dad and says to him "wow, Daddy, you're ACTUALLY doing good"! We both just started cracking up. LOL, I mean, what does this little thing "actually" think of us, that we "actually" can do things good once in a while. I don't know what goes on in her cute little head, but she sure does amuse us.