Bored and Lonely

Today I'm feeling somewhat bored and very lonely. All the kids are home from school today, but they aren't very good adult conversation. I miss my husband, and wish he was home. I have a lot to do today, but I over did it yesterday, so I'm sore and tired today, and need to take it a bit easier. I also have my post-op appointment today, so hopefully I'll find out that everything is fine, even though I still have some obnoxious swelling on the left side, and my intestines are still uncomfortable, and it hurts to pee. I hope all of that is normal, I've been told it is, but it will be good to hear from the doctor that everything is ok. LOL, I'm still in my night shirt, and my legs haven't been shaved in nearly 2 weeks. Yucky. I feel hairy :) I think I'm strong enought to bend over and shave them now, so maybe today when I shower I'll attempt it. I'm sure the doctor has seen hairy legs before, so I'll wait til this evening when Mark is home, so I will feel a little safer taking a shower. I'm not quite up to my old self again, so I feel better knowing that he is home so I don't get hurt and he'll be here to keep an eye on the kids. They seem to like to get into things and destroy things if I leave them unattended for any lenght of time. I've learned not to shower when nobody else is home unless I HAVE to. I am feeling a bit anxious today too, not sure why. Maybe it's because of my doctor's appointment, or perhaps it's because I'm starting to feel more anxious to move. I really feel strongly convicted to move back to Washington. Not saying it's going to make life "easier", in fact, it might make things harder for a little while, but I am not often "convicted" to do anything. It's not just a desire, it's like I feel a NEED to. I don't know what to make of the way I'm feeling, it's just what it is I suppose. I need to get some more boxes so I can pack up some more of the things we don't regularly use, to make the actual moving process easier. Mark is having an "open house" thing on Saturday to see if we can get more people in to see the house, and to try to sell it faster. Superbowl is on Sunday, and this will be the first year that we don't have superbowl party at our house since we married. I'm sad that I'm not up to throwing one this year, but even sadder that we don't have any friends down here that are interested in superbowl. Everyone moved away. The few friends that are left here aren't into football, and have other things going on on Superbowl, so it'll just be us. It seems weird. My whole world seems weird right now. I dont' know what's changed, or what's different, but I feel different, I feel like situations are different, and I feel like other people are different. It's kind of scary to me. I don't like change and I feel an air of change, and I don't feel like it's good change. It probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, and I'm never any good at putting my feelings into words. Oh, well. Maybe someone else knows. Maybe I'm a bit depressed, which is a possiblity considering that I no longer have a uterus. I don't miss it, but at the same time, it's such a strange thought...... I no longer have a uterus..... Wow. Ok then. It's been a part of me for my whole life, my children grew in there. It's gone?!? Really?? The plus side for sure is that I'll never have a monthly again. Whew, that's a relief LOL. But really it's gone? I suppose I'll accept it at some point, but for now, I think I'm still in a bit of denial. I have this great big incision on my abdomen, which is still fresh, still painful, and something I have to deal with, but it still is hard to realize that I had a hysterectomy. I'm only 27! That's what happens to old people right? LOL. Strange huh? I'll come to accept everything sooner or later I suppose. So enough of my rambling..... I'm going to bore myself!

Just one of those days

I'm feeling frustrated and stressed out today. The kids keep fighting and arguing, they aren't listening to me, I'm frustrated at myself because I need to and want to do more housework and stuff, but I just can't. I'm so tired of sitting around and laying on the couch. I'm perpetually behind on nearly all of my housework, I need to go grocery shopping, but I can't, Mark's at work and won't be home until 7 ish tonight, my daughters need baths, and I can't do it all!!! Grrrr. I really wish my family was more help on days like this. It's so hard to see what needs to be done just sitting there undone. It's not like my house it trashed, but it's not clean. The table needs washed, and so do the counters, the floors need swept and mopped..... ugh, the list just goes on and on. I'm sure that my frustration is adding to the problem with the kids, but I'm really feeling overwhelmed today. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't go take a walk, I can't go soak in the tub for 2 reasons.... the incision and nobody to keep an eye on the kids. *sigh* I think I just need to get out of the house or something. I've been cooped up for almost 2 weeks, and I've got cabin fever I think. I can't think of any GOOD way to relieve my stress right now. I really can't wait until I'm all healed and back on track. I feel a little better every day, so there is hope, but I'm being impatient and want to be all mended NOW! LOL. I'm told patience is a virtue, but I assure you, it's not one of mine.

Woohoo!

Today is a better day. I'm still sore, but I'm definietly feeling better. My energy level is still pretty low, but I anticipate that it should start getting better soon. It's such a relief to start to feel better though. I still have pretty significant sweeling on one side, but I go to the doctor on Thursday, so I'll find out about that then. Hopefully it's just normal, not infection or anything. My friend has also had a hysterectomy, and she calls me her hyster sister now. LOL. I just found that to be amusing. I had to explain to my kids why I had surgery. I dodged the question as long as I could, while I thought about what to say. In the end, I told them that the house that babies live in, is inside every mommy's tummy. Mine wasn't working right so the doctors took it out. That seemed to pass, although it spurred a billion more questions about babies and where they come from...... you know how it goes. I've told them that there are questions that I can answer now, and some have to wait until they are older. They seem to have accepted that for now, so I'm glad. Hopefully it will stay that way. Anyway, I'm off. Gotta do something.... laundry maybe? I'm so behind on everything, it's going to take me FOREVER to get caught up.

Today is another day

Well, I have to say, even though I hurt, I feel better today. I over did it a little yesterday, but I felt like I actually did something. I'm so tired of sitting around. I need to take it a little easier, but at the same time, Mark's at work, so I'm on my own with my little ones. It's hard, but I'm confident that as I feel better, it will get easier for me. I did load the dishwasher partially yesterday, I washed my bathroom counter and organized it, folded 2 loads of laundry, and washed my 2 littlest one's hair. It doesn't sound like much, but for me it was quite an accomplishment. It was definitely a little too much for one day, just one week post-op, but at the same time it felt good to do something. I need to slow down and rest a little today to make up for it. I go to my post-op appointment on Thursday, and I'm hoping that the Dr. will release me to drive. I don't really want to try to venture out with a bunch of kids, but it will at least make me feel a little bit better to be able to get in my van and go somewhere in case of an emergency.


Ugh, my mother (who is mentally ill in my opinion and was diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder), is driving me crazy this morning. I simply asked her if she would be willing to take Cheyanne to the bus this morning, because it's too far for me to walk, and I am not released to drive yet. First she told me she was going to have to "check her schedule", which is ludacris as she has no JOB, and has no FRIENDS. So what the heck does she have on her "schedule"? Now she's called me already this morning to pick a fight with me about my mother in law. I know she doesn't like my mother in law, but geesh. What does that have to do with me?!? My mother and my mother in law got in an argument on Monday, the day I came home from the hospital, and my mother has completely shunned me because of that argument. In that argument, I did not say one word. I went outside to get Mark to deal with the problem because I'd only been home from the hospital for maybe, and I mean MAYBE 30 minutes. Now mind you, I've had surgery, and people I barely know have been bringing meals, and coming to help me clean, and many other things, but what has my mother done? Not talked to me in a WEEK! Geesh. So I ask her to do ONE thing for me. Just one. Something simple I might add, that only takes a couple of minutes, and this is what I get. This is the sort of thing, that happens on a regular basis, I want to get away from. I don't need this. I don't need this at all, and nor do my children or my husband! What the heck did I do to deserve a family like this. I honestly don't want anything to do with her, or my siblings, who have developed to be very much like her! I really can't wait to get out of here. Honestly, above all else, SHE is the reason I want to move so badly. I just hope she doesn't follow me back to Washington like she did when we moved down here. The good news is, while we're living at my inlaw's house, we'll be in the country 8 miles from town, so it's not like she can move in next door, as she now lives 6 doors down from me in the park we live in. Yuck. Today is shaping up to be a cruddy day in dealing with my mother. It's worse than dealing with an obnoxious child that isn't yours and a dog that isn't potty trained all rolled into one.

Hello

It's been a few days since I've been able to post. We have been "offline" for several days, but I'm back now. Things are going ok around here. My healing is going a little slower than I would like, but it's trucking along. Every day I feel a little bit better in one area, but still having trouble with others. Healing is for the birds. I'm tired of being on pain medications, so I try to get away with not taking it, but after a short while, I have to take more, just so I am at least minimally functional. I'm trying to do a little bit more when I'm able to, I'm washing and drying laundry now, just having trouble with the folding and putting away part. Mark has been carrying a big burden with working, trying to get our house ready sell, taking care of the kids, the housework and me. I feel bad that he is having to work so hard, he deserves a vacation. He doesn't complain at all though. I wish there was a way other than words to tell him how much I appreciate him. He's such a good man, I'm so blessed. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I really feel blessed to have a husband like him, there seem to be so few men like him.

I'm getting eager to move. I'm ready for a change in my life. I'm ready for a slower pace, and to be a tighter knit family with my inlaws, who are really great people and wonderful support. We'll be living with Mark's parents for a year to a year and a half while we are developing their 2 1/2 acre parcel of land that's attatched to thiers. While it won't be "ours" it will be cheap living and when they are ready to retire, we can either purchase the land from them, or we'll get profits from the sale, so in the end it's a win win situation for all parties involved. I really miss living in Washington close to friends, and close to Mark's family, which is a healthy family, unlike my own who lives down here. I need to separate myself and my children from all the unhealthiness that they are subjected to on a daily basis from my side of the family. I am so blessed to have married into a wonderful family. My mother in law calls me a "jewel". It makes me feel good to have her say such nice things about me. I don't really know how to put my thoughts into words as well as I would like, but the end game, is that I want to live my own life apart from my side of the family, with the support that I never received and will never receive from my crazy codependent family. I NEED to get away. I'm not "running" away, but I am I believe, doing what's in the best interest of my children and my marriage. And I want to do it. I WANT to be a good mother, and a closer family, and I WANT my children to have good examples and I WANT the back up and support in my choices that my inlaws give. I WANT to be parents like THEM! Not very many people can say that they had wonderful parents that did things right, and instilled good values in them, but my husband was blessed with EXACTLY that sort of family! Wow, that's powerful. What a good and wonderful God to have sent that family into my life! I want my children and thier husbands and wives to feel that way about me, and what better way to acheive that than to have a role model like them :)